If there is one universal parenting struggle, it is the feeling of talking to a brick wall. You ask your child to put on their shoes. You ask again. You raise your voice. Finally, you yell, and everyone leaves the house upset.

We often think that discipline is just about stopping bad behavior. According to psychologist, Lee Ann Annotti, PhD, the secret to a happier home isn't just correcting the negative—it’s about actively shaping the positive. By changing how we give praise, issue commands, and use rewards, we can flip the script from constant power struggles to cooperation.

Here are four expert-backed strategies to help you shape and support your child’s behavior.

1. The Art of "Labeled" Praise

We all love to tell our kids, "Good job!" or "You're so smart!" While these are kind things to say, they are often too vague to change behavior. To truly encourage cooperation, we need to switch to Labeled Praise.

Labeled praise acts like a spotlight. It tells the child exactly what they did right so they know to do it again.

Instead of: "Good girl."

Try: "I love how you are sharing with your brother."

Instead of: "Nice job."

Try: "Thank you for listening the first time I asked."

A Note on "Tough" Kids:

Some children, particularly those who are more aggressive or defiant, might seem to reject praise. They might roll their eyes or act out when you compliment them. Experts suggest that these children actually need praise the most. Their "emotional tanks" are often low on positive attention. Keep praising the specific good behaviors you see, even if they pretend not to care.

2. Give "Do" Commands, Not "Don't" Commands

How often do we spend our day saying, "Don't run," "Don't yell," or "Stop hitting"? The problem with these commands is that they leave a void; they tell the child what not to do, but they don't explain what to do.

To increase compliance, try to give "Do" Commands that are specific and positive.

Vague/Negative: "Stop running!"

Specific/Positive: "Please walk." For a younger child, you may say “Use your walking feet, please.”

Vague/Negative: "Be good."

Specific/Positive: "Please keep your hands to yourself and use your inside voice."

Furthermore, try to reduce the number of commands you give overall. If you bombard a child with twenty instructions in an hour, they will eventually tune you out. Get their attention, be polite, and allow them time to comply before repeating yourself.

3. The Magic of "When/Then"

One of the most effective tools for setting limits without losing your cool is the When/Then statement. This technique shifts the focus from punishment to natural consequences and incentives.

Instead of threatening, "If you don't clean your room, no TV!", flip it to a positive outcome:

"When you put your toys in the bin, then we can turn on the TV."

This small linguistic shift puts the power in the child’s hands. They aren't being punished; they are simply earning a privilege through their own actions.

4. Rewards vs. Bribes (Yes, there is a difference!)

Many parents hesitate to use rewards because they fear they are "bribing" their children. However, there is a distinct difference. A bribe is often given before behavior to stop a tantrum (e.g., handing a screaming child a candy bar to quiet them down). A reward is given after a positive behavior to reinforce it.

You can use Tangible Rewards to help establish new habits. These don't have to be expensive toys. In fact, "social rewards" and privileges are often more effective.

Low-Cost Ideas: Picking the dessert for dinner, a night off from chores, staying up 15 minutes late, or a "surprise grab bag" with dollar-store items.

Activity Ideas: Going to the park, playing a board game with mom, or having a friend over.

Using a Behavior Chart

If you are struggling with a specific time of day (like the morning rush), a behavior chart can work wonders.

Be Specific: List 2-3 specific behaviors (e.g., "I made my bed," "I brushed my teeth").

Make it Achievable: Ensure the child can actually succeed so they feel motivated.

Reward Immediately: Especially for younger children, the reward (even if it's just a sticker on the chart) needs to happen right after the behavior.

Model the Kindness You Want to See

Finally, remember that your children are always watching. One profound activity is to monitor how you talk about yourself. Do you model self-praise?

If you come home and only complain about your "terrible day," your child learns to focus on the negative. Try saying things like, "I really handled that difficult meeting well today," or "I'm proud of how I cooked this dinner." By modeling self-kindness, you teach your children to value themselves, too.

Shaping behavior takes time and patience. It isn't about being perfect; it's about being consistent. By catching them being good and clearly stating what you want, you build a home environment defined by positivity rather than punishment.